i haven't had the heart lately... it's as if everything has been completely drained from me... i need to start updating again... this is soo hard... i really don't have the heart to do what i've been doing for the past 6 months... i mean things seem to be perfect... minus the obvious... which just seems to completely kill... what am i suppose to do? hopefully one day i'll set it straight, or it'll just be set straight... last weekend seemed soo amazing... but non of it ever should've happened... and then i have to ask myself... what the fuck am i doing???? it's not fair to u or her... just make up ur fucking mind... i guess i should stop before i say too much... i was just hoping for something very different... swimming's frustrating... more than ever... i'm so ready to leave... and forget everything that i'm leaving behind... well not really... i just wanna start over... have something new, and get away from the things that have been haunting me forever... i can't deal with this anymore... it makes me the happiest, and yet... it's as if someone is just stabbing me... bleh... it'll blow over eventually...

it's been a while, it's been going really well, my holiday was awesome, got to see all of my favorite people, went skiing with two awesome guys, lol... kinda... things have been really good... besides the obvious, but other than that... everything's been awesome... had school today which really sucked, but whatev... it was a short and sweet day.

haha, it's kinda funny, because i feel like i've never been happier... well, as for wellesley, i stopped feeling sad about it, and i realized that it really wasn't worth wallowing over because i was accepted to two very good colleges, and i found out that i was accepted to drew university the other day which made me feel very good too, and i realized that i just may not be what they're looking for, but that doesn't mean i should doubt myself and my own abilities, as school has shown me this past week... but yea... we won our meet on thursday!! WOOT!!! so we're now 2-0, YES! haha... i swam in both free relays, and i was really happy with my times, even though we lost the race... both of my times dropped... i never thought i would hit 1:16 for a 100 by this time, and i think i can break 30 seconds for a 50 in two weeks which would be awesome... so i need to make sure i work out when i go away... so all in all things are very good... i decided that mike's crazy after last night, but i got over it quickly when we got to the appartment, we went to trade presents with a family friend, her son is 8... i think, and he's into the whole game cube thing, so we spent hours, just me mike and alec, playing super smash brothers which was hilarious... and soo hard not to curse... but yea.... this 8 year old was kicking our butts for like the first hour, like mike and i were on a team and this kid still beat us, lol.... but it was an awesome night... besides the car ride there... so yea... another amazing thing... yesterday jason gave me my christmas present which is seeing sweeny todd today!!! i am sooo excited!!! so me and his mom are seeing it, and we're going to on of our favorite resturants in the city, i didn't know she knew it, but she was all excited when i mentioned it... so i'm really really excited for the day, and i think eveything will work out the way it's suppose to... and i love my mommy... just felt like putting that in... after last night, she came into my room this morning and gave me an early present because she felt like the time wouldn't be more perfect to give it... it's a small necklace with a pendant on it that says, 'this hour i tell things in confidence i might not tell everybody, but i will tell you' it made me cry... so... yea... it was very touching... and sweet... so yea... i'm happy